The first draft of the first chapter is done. Link can be found below. I managed to write up to a little over five pages. The writing is a bit compressed, but the general thread of events is there, so we have a somewhat clear picture of what we're aiming for. This is in no way the final writing for the first level we're doing, this is just my primary idea of the setting and the story, so anything written in the document can be changed later on, depending on reception from the rest of the group and readers of this blog. You're all very welcome to comment, any criticism and tips on how to improve is greatly appreciated!
My main quarrel with the story is how to characterize Sierra. Making the writing act her personality out or giving her hours of painful monologue seems a bit boring, so I'm trying to think of ways to put her character into the mere actions of the game. Hopefully I'll spawn some new ideas for the next chapter! But for now, enjoy my attempt at professional writing!
Link to chapter!
Magnus out!
Seems like an interesting story. I'm a bit curious to see where you take it. I like that Sierra seems to be a normal desk nerd and not a Laura Croft/CIA trained assassin type character(A refreshing change from the usual Portal/Resident Evil formula) There are several words in your vocabulary I think need changed. I know what you meant, but you just used the wrong word or could have picked better words for them. One or two thing contradict each other a bit also, but I think that's just a small oversight. Other than that, it's not too bad. You seem to know where you want to go with the story and have paced yourself. I look forward to reading more. -Bob
ReplyDeleteThank you! I tried making a character that isn't the female equivalent of Rambo, but I wanted a character that still knew how to get a hold of herself and deal with the situation, guns or no guns.
DeleteMy vocabulary could use a little revising on some parts, I'll look over it again later. I didn't notice the contradictions, but I'll look for faults.
I have several ideas for how it can end and what twists can occur, but I have a pretty good idea of what will lead the plot and where it should go.
Thanks for the compliments, and thanks for the helpful criticism! Glad to have someone interested!
//Magnus
Hello Ayin Productions!
ReplyDeleteI have just read the first chapter of your story and I very much enjoyed it. You make great details to the surroundings, give us some back story to what has happened to her and the facility, but not too much (crucial) and finally you give us details about the monster, but only the sounds of it's footsteps. Beautiful!
I do, or though, have a suggestion to something you might have another thought about. The near-dead scientist, whom the main character find in the last room, could be replaced by an audio journal.
I think this could add to the thrill of the story, since this makes the main character all alone in the facility. The feeling of being all alone with a monster, roaming around, willing to kill you, is quite terrifying. Especially, if you have no weapons.
Well, that was just my suggestion anyway. I hope you may consider it.
If not anything else, focus greatly on detailing almost everything. This includes the main characters actions and thoughts, rooms/corridors/other areas, sounds etc., as it really helps intensify the situation.
Overall, I think this can turn out really well for you guys, and I am looking forward to more chapters! I will also continue to give you feedback and suggestions, if you will allow me to do so.
I wish you the best in the future.
Sincerely,
MassEffective
Thank you for the comment!
DeleteI find making just enough backstory important. Making a story immersive is all about making you feel in touch with the story, but not get detached by too much of it getting thrown in your face, so it's important to not put in story for the sake of telling the story. It should come along as you go.
I originally had an idea for the near-dead scientist which I'm throwing around a bit, I may change it and turn it into something else, but I'll consider it. I'm well aware of the horror of being alone, but there are ways you can make it scary. I took a little inspiration from Silent Hill 2. The game in itself was really scary even though you had side characters to bring along, and that was simply because the characters were batshit insane. ;)
But as it was said, your input is important, as this story will come to change in some ways. I'm trying my best to write a good story even though I'm not an experienced writer, so any help you might give is gold for me.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
//Magnus
Really like the story can't wait for this game to come out!
ReplyDeleteThanks, appreciate the comment! :)
DeleteThe story sounds amazing so far, but it could do with some editing. The most important thing that I've noticed is how the main character seems a bit... distant. It's kinda hard getting scared when you don't know the character that much. Maybe you could try adding some clues in the way Sierra thinks, like maybe when she's commenting on her surroundings she can draw some parallel to how her life was before being stuck in a tube. You'd get to know her better that way, making it an easier process to empathize with her personality and fears, as well as it would perhaps provide some back story for the company she works for (something that I already noticed that you were doing, which was quite nice :-> )
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, besides some very minor gripes with the grammar, the story is really enthralling, and I'm very excited to see the next chapter! ^^
Thank you for the comment!
DeleteYeah, we discussed that a few days ago, I've been thinking that the story could be fleshed out a little more to give a sense of life into the story. I'm still working out the background, since I have a way of making things up as I go along rather than having a strict red line to follow, the first parts will be more just getting familiar with the place. But I'll definitely try to improve upon it and make the story more connected and rich.